


Same Old, Same Old (Well, I Don't)

by CJ_fics



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Mentions of Sex, established olicity, speculation fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-04-20 05:52:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4776050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJ_fics/pseuds/CJ_fics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they’re called back into action, Felicity fears that they would be back to where they were a year ago. Oliver’s actions don’t help.</p>
<p>Warning: There’s a lot of angst here. So, maybe, proceed with caution …?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Same Old, Same Old (Well, I Don't)

She could pinpoint the exact moment when Oliver pulled away from her completely.

Oh, he had been pulling away from her ever since he placed the tray of chocolate soufflés on the dining table upon Thea’s, “ _We need your help. I need you, Ollie,_ ” and Laurel’s, “ _We need the Arrow._ ” He had been stoic and stiff, barely giving her an apologetic glance, allowing her to touch him but never touching her back, as they made their way back into Starli– Star City. As they packed. On the short flight from Coast City. As they got in the backseat of Laurel’s car.

But it was when they entered Star City proper, marked by the memorial billboard for Ray Palmer that announced the new name of the city, that Oliver completely pulled away from her. He pulled his hand away from hers to touch the window of the car on his side, tracing the billboard that the car was fast approaching.

As she looked at him, urging him to look back and give her a sign, wishing that he could hear her brain waves she was sending him him – _“Fight, Oliver. Fight for us. Fight for me. Try. Just try.”_ – and hoping that he would give her a sign that the man with whom she spent the last five months with was still the man he wanted to be, the familiar pit in her stomach grew.

That old enemy, the pit in her stomach where where all her inadequacies lived, the one that used to come in the shape of her dad but was now in the more familiar form of Oliver, the one where the mousy girl with too big glasses and second-hand clothes reigned, the one where she chucked all her mistakes, her disappointments, her failures and every mortifying moment her mouth had put her in, blossomed once again.

She could feel tears forming in her eyes – _Because, really? This was happening again? I thought the moment we decided to be together, this feeling was gone for good._

To stave off her spiraling thoughts and her tears, and to try to fill in the growing pit in her stomach, she reaches for phone, and books herself a hotel room to stay in for the night.

——-

He could pinpoint exactly when Felicity pulled away from him completely. And it was his own damned fault.

He was excited about tonight. He had finally perfected soufflé making, and had been experimenting with different recipes for Felicity to try and enjoy. Tonight, upon her idea – _“What about chocolate with chilli soufflé, Oliver? I think that would be yummy! You could use the dried poblanos that you bought last weekend. I’m telling, it will be good!”_ – he had prepared two perfect servings of the dish, and had hidden a platinum and diamond engagement ring under the whipped cream. Because tonight was the night he was going to ask her to be with him forever.

Then, Thea and Laurel showed up before he could even begin to surprise Felicity with the question he had been meaning to ask her tonight – the question he had been meaning to ask her when she said yes to going away with him, the question he almost asked her as they reached the top of the Andes, when they dined at that duck place in Bali, when they first entered the home that they had built for themselves in Coast City, in every stop they made in the last five months.

He knew, after Thea and Laurel told them what was going on in the city, and after Thea admitted that she was going through a difficult time with the aftereffects of the Lazarus Pit, that he would never get to ask that question of Felicity. He would have to don the suit again, bring up all the darkness he had stored away, and be the man that he wouldn’t wish on the love of his life.

There were no words to describe the unfathomable disappointment he felt at that point. He had feared that everyone in the room heard his heart break, and yawning pit in stomach opening once again.

He wasn’t blind to the anxious glances Felicity had thrown on him as they made their way back to Starli – Star City, he just couldn’t return it without an apology in his eyes. He wasn’t deaf the conversations she tried to start with him, he just didn’t know what to say – Oh, he knew what he should have said, empty promises or a words to let her go, he just couldn’t bear to utter them. He wasn’t numb to the small touches she gave him, he just didn’t deserve to revel in them and touch her back.

Finally, as they enter Star City proper, he knew that he had to pull away from her. Because if he spent another second with her hand in his, he would pull her towards him and jump out of the car with her so they could run back to Coast City. And he couldn’t do that. Not when people needed the Arrow.

He could feel her staring at him, he knew she was asking him to try, to assure her that this changed nothing between them. He couldn’t. Because this changed everything.

When she reached for her phone, he knew she had pulled away from him completely.

He rests his forehead on the side window, hoping that the coolness of the glass would stop the tears and the heartbreak.

——

“Laurel,” Felicity says in a small voice, “Can you drop me off at the Starling Grand?”

Oliver turns to her abruptly, “What?”

“I need a place to stay,” Felicity responds without looking at him.

Oliver sputters, his mind racing. _No, not like this! No! You can’t! I’m sorry! Don’t give up on us. On me. I’m sorry!_

“You can stay with Oliver and me,” Thea says with a bemused expression.

“No, you and Oliver need to catch up,” Felicity responds with a forced smile, “I’ll stay at the hotel tonight.”

“Felicity …” Oliver whispers desperately.

She finally looks at him, her heart in her eyes, “It’s Thea, Oliver. She needs you.”

Then she turns to face the side window until they arrive at her hotel.

“Felicity,” Oliver calls out gently as he steps out of the car. She had opened her door as soon as Laurel parked the car, and headed for the boot to get her suitcase.

Oliver places a hand on her forearm to stop her movement, “Felicity, you don’t have to do this.”

“Where will I stay then?” she asks, still turned towards the open trunk.

“With me,” he says, “Please.”

“It would only prolong the inevitable, Oliver,” she sighs.

“The inevitable?”

She finally looks at him, her eyes wet with un-shed tears, “That you can’t be with me and be the Arrow. And the city needs the Arrow. I get it. I do.”

“Felicity…” he murmurs helplessly, tears falling freely down his cheeks.

She reaches out to wipe his face, attempting to smile at him and failing miserably, “We had a good run, no?”

“No, Felicity, it’s not over,” he says, sniffing, “Please, it’s not.”

“You pulled away, Oliver,” she says sadly, finally allowing her tears to fall, “I felt you pull away from me. And – and I don’t think it would be good for either of us – and for the team — if we pretended that you wouldn’t continue to do so. That things will be different this time. That you wouldn’t go back into your shell. That you wouldn’t leave me behind.”

Oliver sobs, pressing his forehead to hers, her face cupped in his palms. She holds onto his wrists as she closes her eyes as she cries.

“Ollie?” Thea calls out hesitantly from somewhere from behind the opened boot cover.

Felicity stiffens and pulls out of his arms, wiping her eyes as Oliver says, “Give us a minute, Thea.”

She reaches for her suitcase, almost falling into tears again at the memory of Oliver buying the hot pink and blue camouflage hard case for her in Singapore – _“I saw this and it reminded me of you. It’s much more Felicity Smoak than that basic black Victorinox that you’ve been using, Felicity,”_ he had said so excitedly, so damned please with himself for that find.

“Let me,” Oliver reaches for her suitcase and takes it out of the boot, closing the top.

Felicity takes the suitcase from him and pulls the handle up, “I’ll see you at the lair tomorrow.”

“Felicity,” Oliver whispers, holding the top of her hand on the handle.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Oliver,” she says strictly, straightening her spine to her full height. She turns to walk towards the front of the car to wave at Thea and Laurel, saying, “Please send me the coordinates of the new place. There’s much work to be done. Good night.”

Oliver watches her as she enters the hotel lobby, handing her suitcase to a bellhop, keeping his body braced stop himself from running after her. As she disappears from his sight, he enters the car.

“I’m sorry, Ollie,” Thea whispers from the front passenger seat.

Oliver nods as he looks out the window.

——-

“Why isn’t Felicity here with us?” Thea asks as she joins her brother brood in the balcony outside the loft’s living area.

“Hey,” he straightens from leaning his forearms on the railing, opening his arms so Thea could hug him.

“I’ve missed you, brother,” Thea says as she squeezes him tight.

“I’ve missed you, too, Speedy,” he murmurs, pecking her forehead.

“So?” she prods as she pulls away from him.

“So?” Oliver frowns.

“Why isn’t Felicity with us,” Thea repeats.

Oliver’s face falls, turning to lean on the railing again, “Being a vigilante isn’t exactly the kind of environment where a healthy relationship could thrive.”

Thea nods before saying, “But if there’s a couple who has a real shot at being happy while saving the city, it would be you and Felicity.”

“I can’t put her through that,” Oliver murmurs.

“Did you honestly think that two of you would stay in that nice house in the suburbs forever?” Thea asks, turning towards her brother.

“Yes,” he nods with a sigh.

“So, now that you’re back you just what – break up?” Thea frowns, “You just give up?”

When Oliver hangs his head in response but doesn’t say anything, Thea continues, “I think it was stupid of you to ever think that that the two of you would be content in the ‘burbs, to be perfectly honest. You’re more than that. Felicity’s more than that. That would have been a waste of all that you could offer the world, Ollie.”

“What I could offer the world? You mean, violence and darkness?” Oliver responds harshly.

“No, heroism,” Thea says steadily.

“I can’t be the Arrow and live in the light,” he says sadly, “The Arrow lives in the shadows.”

“And you won’t even try?” Thea urges, her heart breaking for her brother, “Not even for Felicity?”

“I can’t put her through that,” he says, “I know what I’m like when I have to choose to be the Arrow. I know I’ll push her away and hurt her. Then she’ll end up hating me. And I don’t ever want her to hate me.”

“So, don’t,” Thea says simply, “Don’t push her away. Don’t hurt her. Don’t let her hate you.”

“I wish it were that simple,” Oliver sighs, “You have no idea how much I wish it were that simple.”

“That woman loves you,” Thea answers, “She loved you even when you turned into Darth Oliver. She loves you so much that all you had to do was to ask her to go away with you, and she drops her life to be with you. She loves you so much that she would show up in the lair tomorrow, ready to help you, to help us, even though I know she would rather run away from the thing that caused her so much pain.”

“I know she does,” Oliver says sadly.

“And you love her,” Thea confirms.

“Yes,” Oliver nods.

“So, then try,” Thea stomps her foot, “So, then don’t push her away. Don’t let her go. Don’t hurt her.”

Oliver shakes his head, but says nothing.

“You know what I think?” Thea continues, “I think it’s much easier for you to suffer and brood than to try to aim for happiness. I think–”

“I’ve had my happiness!” Oliver interrupts her, “You have no idea how happy I have been these past few months! I thought I finally had my happy story! Then–”

“Then we burst your bubble,” Thea says.

“Thea–”

“Then go back,” Thea challenges him, “Go back to your beautiful house in Coast City. Go–”

“You know we can’t do that,” Oliver says, “Felicity and I, we can’t do that. How could we live with ourselves, how could we be happy knowing that the city – that you, and all of our friends – our family – need us and we don’t do anything about it?”

“So, it’s this or happiness? Are those the only choices that you’ve allowed yourselves?” Thea frowns, “Are the two of you going to spend the rest of your lives in pain, looking longingly at each other as you work to save the city?”

“She’ll move on from me,” Oliver growls.

“If you think that she will be able to do that, then you don’t know her as well as I think you do, brother,” Thea says.

“She has to,” Oliver says.

“Why?”

“Because I can’t stand the thought of her feeling this way forever,” he answers.

“Then don’t make her feel this way, Oliver,” Thea says gently, “Because, yes, she may try to move on from you. Any self-respecting woman would. But she’ll still feel this way unless you’re with her. She’ll look at you and see everything she’s lost. All the happiness that she’s allowed herself and you to give up. Every time, she looks at you, she’ll feel how inadequate she is. How she’s not enough for you to even try to do this and be happy with her.”

“Wha–” Oliver hangs his mouth open, “I would never –”

“Why else do you think she booked herself a hotel room?” Thea raises an eyebrow, “She knew – she knows – that you’re not going to fight for her. That you’re going to give her up – your literal happiness – for this. That you’re not even going to try.”

Oliver hangs his head as he sobs, Thea wraps an arm around his back to comfort him.

“Oliver, you can do this and be happy,” she says, squeezing his shoulder, “You just have to try.”

——

She knew she was never ever going to be able to sleep tonight. So, she doesn’t even try.

She wipes her tears from her face as she does the reasons why she would never be able to sleep – the lack of strong, muscled arms wrapped around her, the missing hard and furnace-like chest behind her, the missing stubbled jaw pressed between the juncture of her neck and shoulder, no long legs tangled up with hers, and the lack of the feeling of deep satisfaction that only multiple orgasms with Oliver that always precedes her slumber – from her mind.

She takes out her laptop and her tablet from her bag. Instead of sleeping, she was going to start running searches on these Ghosts with the information that Thea and Laurel had provided earlier tonight. Then perhaps, she can remotely access the lair computers and do upgrades, so everything will be ready for her to start working more tomorrow.

It’s a familiar feeling, ignoring the twinge in her chest and the black pit in her stomach with mental work. She’s done this too many times in the past. When Oliver hooked up with Isabel. When Oliver got into a relationship with Sara. When Oliver told her that he couldn’t be with her and be the Arrow. All of last year, she had learned to survive by doing exactly this.

_Even Ray_ , she admits to herself, _was an effort to survive the Oliver-induced pain in her chest and to fill that pit with something, anything_.

As she strokes her sternum, waiting for the searches to yield results, she realises that this situation has become so familiar to her to the point that there was comfort in it.

Comfort in knowing that she can go on even when her heart is broken, and all of her inadequacies are staring at her head on. Pride in being assured that no matter how much it hurts, how much it makes her want to bury herself underground, she was stronger than that. The assurance that she can continue to function even with a broken heart.

_It’s a weird form of Stockholm Syndrome_ , she thinks to herself. With this feeling being the captor that she has learned to have positive feelings for.

“Huh,” she mutters to herself, “Maybe I gave up too easily.”

With the thought firmly planted in her mind, Felicity allows herself to entertain it. Over the next hour, with the searches and lair system upgrades running in the background, Felicity paces her hotel room, thinking about the situation with Oliver, examining her feelings – no matter how much they hurt – and confronting herself.

By the end of her ruminations, she knows two things.

She loves Oliver Queen, and will do so until she’s gone.

And that she was going to fight for him, to have a life with him, to be happy with him and their mission.

Now, she only needed to know if he would fight for her in return.

So, she picks up up her phone, not caring that it was four in the morning – she knew that he wasn’t going to be sleeping  anyway – and calls Oliver’s number.

“Felicity?” he answers with a gruff voice before the first ring even ends, “Is everything OK?”

“I can’t sleep,” she says quietly. Now that his voice was in her ear, her trepidation comes back. _What if he won’t try?_

“Neither can I,” he admits sadly.

“How is Thea doing?” she asks, bracing herself for the more difficult questions.

“Sleeping. She’s fine,” he answers in low voice.

“Can you come over?” she asks in a small voice, “I think we need to talk. I have some things to say to you. And a question.”

She could hear him gulp before he says, “I’ll be right over.”

“I’m in room –”

“1401,” he supplies for her.

“How did you know?”

“I’ll always know where you are, Felicity,” he says, “I make sure of it.”

He hangs up before she can respond.

——–

“Hi,” he greets tentatively as she opens the door.

It was unfair how good he looks, even with no sleep, Felicity thinks, running her eyes over him. He’s dressed in dark wash jeans, a grey Henley and a black leather jacket.

He runs his eyes over her in return, almost smiling at her outfit – a baby pink tank top and a blue Police booth printed pyjama bottoms from which her crimson-tipped toes peeked out. The sight of Felicity being so adorably herself calms the nerves in his belly as his heart twinges.

_This was everything he has lost_ , he thinks to himself.

“Hi,” she says back, raising her hand to awkwardly wave before realising that it was a stupid move. She clears her throat, “Please come in,” she says instead, motioning to the small couch in front of the Queen-sized bed.

“What was it that you wanted to say to me?” he asks gently, sitting down and resting his forearms on his knees.

She takes a deep breath before standing in front of him, “Do you think I gave up too quickly?”

“What?” Oliver straightens, surprised at the question.

“I’ve been thinking,” Felicity explains, “For the past hour, I’ve done nothing but think about us. About me. I think I gave up too quickly. Now and before –”

“Felicity,” Oliver stands up to stop her in her tracks with his hands on her shoulders.

“No, Oliver,” she says, looking up at him, “I think, that’s what I do. I walk away before — before – you can leave me. I’ve always done that. I move forward before you can fight. Even though I tell myself that all I want for you to do is to fight for us, for me. Before you can even try, I’m already moving on. I –”

“Felicity,” he says, “It’s one of the things that I love about you. I love that you won’t wait. That you move forward even though I’ve hurt you. That you refuse to take my crap. You challenge me because you’re that strong. You can move on from me when I hurt you.”

“But I really don’t, Oliver,” she admits in a soft voice, “I behave as if I’m moving forward but I’m not really. I’m just pretending I am. And I end up hurting you and myself. And other people, like Ray.”

“Felicity, I don’t want you blame yourself for my shortcomings,” Oliver urges, “I’m the one that choked last year. I’m the one that pushed you away. Even now. And I’m sorry. I know I hurt you. That I’m still hurting you. You shouldn’t blame yourself for reacting to how I behave in a way that’s best for you.”

“I’m not, Oliver,” she responds, “But maybe, if I stayed and fought for you – maybe if I didn’t allow my fear of being left behind make me act so impulsively – maybe you’ll fight for me, too. Do you want to try to fight for us? For me?”

“Yes,” he breathes without hesitation, pulling her close, “Yes, Felicity, I want to fight for this. For us. For you.”

“What happened tonight, Oliver?” she asks, needing to know why he pulled away from her.

Oliver pulls away to meet her eyes, “I was going to ask you to marry me tonight.”

At her gasp, he smiles at her, “I really was. I hid the ring under the whipped cream in the chocolate soufflé. Then they arrived, saying they needed us back. I was overwhelmed. I don’t know if I could be the Arrow without going dark again. Without behaving like the closed-up ass I was in the past.”

“So, you closed up?” she frowns.

“Yeah,” he says sheepishly, “I’m sorry. I just – I couldn’t help it.”

“Do you want to be with me?” she asks tentatively.

“More than anything,” he answers, “I love you.”

“OK,” she nods, not moving away from his arms.

“OK?” he asks, looking at her.

“OK I’ll stay, I’ll fight, I’ll be whatever you need me to be,” she vows, “I’m going to make sure we don’t go back how we were last year.”

“Why?” he asks with a gasp. There’s no way this remarkable woman would stay and fight for him.

“'Cause I do love you,” she responds simply, “But, Oliver, you have to try as well. I can’t be the only one working for us.”

And just like that, Oliver’s heart repairs itself, “I’ll fight. I’ll give us – _you_ – my best shot.”

“Good,” Felicity sighs, relieved – the pain in her heart easing and the bottomless pit in her stomach that started blossoming when Oliver pulled away from her closes gently.

She stands on her toes to kiss him, Oliver bends to meet her halfway.

/end

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at Tumblr: http://outoftheclosetshipper.tumblr.com/post/128844546578/same-old-same-old-well-i-dont


End file.
